


I'll wait til you find yourself again

by somelikeitpink



Series: Hold on [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012!Phan, I am sorry this is slightly angsty again, M/M, Phil and PJ talk about 2012!phan, Phil is a bit sappy again, Relationship Talk, but only if you blink, he couldn't give up on Dan if he tried, slight mention of Chris Kendall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 20:30:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5389217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somelikeitpink/pseuds/somelikeitpink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil and PJ find a quiet moment after the Brighton show to talk about Dan and Phil's relationship. PJ wonders how they made it through until now. But giving up wasn't ever an option for Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll wait til you find yourself again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [danissnotonfire](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=danissnotonfire).



> So.... this originally started out as a prompt about Phil drinking. Which obviously got totally abandoned in favour of being super sappy.  
> I have a lot of feelings about 2012!phan apparently.  
> This is sort of turning into a series so well. 
> 
> I enjoy writing Phil so much though, so there we go. 
> 
> Something longer will follow the next few days, as I got an amazing idea ;)

"How did you do it?"

PJ stared at him over the rim of his beer bottle and even if he wanted to, Phil knew there was no escaping the situation.  
"How did I do what?" He tried nevertheless, looking over the now deserted living room.  
It had been a good end to the night after the show in Brighton, and he and Dan had enjoyed a pleasant dinner with PJ and Sophie. There had been good food, some wine and light conversation, the calmest celebration of Halloween they had ever had. But now she and Dan had disappeared, something about a new music album he needed to show her.

 "Don't play stupid with me." PJ brought him back to reality. "How did you never give up? Even after everything he did. Everything he said..."  
It shouldn't surprise him really that he had those questions. There was a time once, years ago by now, when Phil had been a frequent guest on his couch, turning up late at night with unshed tears of frustration in his eyes. He had never been a crier, and yet PJ had seem him more emotional than most.

 "What was I supposed to do?" Phil finally answered, the alcohol loosening his tongue, where he'd usually spend longer contemplating an answer. "Let him go? Quit?" PJ seemed to consider the answer, staring out of the window onto the balcony. "Nobody would have been surprised."  
At that Phil snorted. He knew loads of people still treated every mention of 2012 with kid gloves around him. Everybody who knew about them, knew it hadn't been a good time. "Sometimes I think even I wouldn’t have been."

 He had to admit he had considered it a few times. Saying the words. 'I think there's no sense in this anymore.' But somehow, they just wouldn't leave his mouth. "I just... I couldn't do it. I thought about him by himself. And how it could be, in the future.. because I always knew he was capable of it. He just needed... time."

 "But at what cost?" PJ interrupted him. "It was noble and all of you to do that. And believe me I'm glad you did… but how could you do that at the cost of your own happiness?"

Phil considered his answer as he took another sip of his wine. "Somebody once asked me in the midst of all the drama... What I get out of this relationship." He winced at the memory. "I.. I didn't know what to say first because... God who would? But then... I think maybe... all I ever really got out of it at the time was just... the way I could be there for him. I loved him. And I thought if I held on long enough... maybe that would be enough for him too one day.”

Silence fell over them again, the faint sounds of chatter come through from the room next door.  
“We envied you, you know?” This time it was PJ’s turn to sound hesitant. “Not that me and Chris were ever… you know that. But we talked about it a few times. How Dan was a lucky guy to have you. That nobody else would stick around for each other like you guys did.”

Phil nodded, leaning forward on his elbows as he played around with the glass in his hands.  
“I think we just… we found each other at a time when we were both lost. I know that... everybody always makes it sound like I was the one to save him but he really saved me just as much. I didn’t know where I was going with my life. He got me back on track. Showed me how important what I was doing was. Gave me a push into the right direction, if you will.” He knew they had talked about this before. On one of those rare nights when they spiralled down into old times. PJ had known him even before Dan did, after all.

As if on cue, PJ continued his thought. “I know. It was like watching a phoenix. He was the flame... the starting point. You brightened up so much back then..”  
“Our lives started to intertwine with our first Skype conversation. There wasn’t a way out later, even if I had wanted…” Frustrated, Phil set down the glass and pushed his fringe out of the way. “Not that I did... or that he ever made me feel like I had to stay. There were times where I felt like he’d rather have me leave than stay another day. But I suppose I just… it would have felt like part of me was missing. He’s not just Dan. It’s not just another relationship I could have ended. He’s.. he’s my past and he’s my present and he’s the future.”

“He’s your life.” PJ interrupted him gently, an almost sad smile on his face. “He always was. It was plain as day for any of us.”

“Of course he is.” Phil replied easily, leaning back into the couch as the tension slowly left his body. “I don’t think he always knows that. But what would have been the point of walking away back then? Life gets tough. But it gets about five times tougher if you have to do it while missing a part of yourself. I knew I just.. had to wait it out. I had to cling to the hope that he’d find the way out of that.. darkness and back to himself.”

The graphic and cliched description would have felt out of place and uncomfortable with anybody but PJ, but there was something about him that had always made it easy for Phil to express himself. Just like now, when he simply nodded, sipping on his bottle as he mulled over his thoughts. “Well thank god he did. I’m not sure I could have dealt with both him and Chris sulking at the same time.” The atmosphere lightened up as PJ smiled, but somehow the spell didn’t seem broken yet. Their openness could go both ways.

“How is he?” Phil asked hesitantly. He knew that they hadn’t yet manage to rekindle what they had before, before everything broke apart between the four for awhile. Bitter words had fallen at the time and the scars hadn’t quite healed over yet.  
“Same old.. More good days than bad days though.” PJ shrugged, nibbling on his lip. “The positive reaction to Oscar’s Hotel helped. He needed that boost.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure if we should be sad or grateful that Dan and Chris aren’t as close anymore. They’d probably either hype each other up, or drag themselves down together.” Phil chuckled, but the truth was still there plain to see. They were sometimes too similar. Too easily caught up in the world’s mystery and darkness. PJ responded to the smile but his eyes were serious as he continued. “It would still be nice to… to have you around a bit more, you know? He’s changed. We all have.” Sighing, Phil reached forward, grabbing his drink. “I know. We… we’ll try.” By now he couldn’t tell anymore if it was real or a lie. Both, probably.

A loud crash outside of the living room was followed by two giggles and both of them couldn’t help but smile. The spell was broken this time but it seemed there was still something that needed to be said before it was over completely.

 “It was good to see you two today. Up there I mean. You’ve outdone yourself. It’s a piece of art… I’m really proud of you.”  PJ reached out, his warm hand holding onto Phil’s shoulder before it dropped away. “It’s good to see both of you so happy. You are, right?”

Phil chuckled, his face lighting up at the praise. “Yeah we are. It’s… good, like it’s never been before..” He glanced quickly at the door, checking how much longer they had before they would be interrupted. “I.. I might have to ask a little favour of you... someday in the near future.” PJ’s eyebrow rose up at the request, waiting for Phil to continue. “I somehow don’t think we’ll wait all the way until 2022.”

If there was any response from him, it was drowned out as the door opened, Dan and Sophie piling into the room as they laughed about whatever had occurred in front of the door.

And yet, PJ’s smile was enough of an answer.

 


End file.
